i think i follow some sort of six month cycle, where about every six months i reach this period where i do a lot of thinking about my life. unfortunately most of it tried to bring me down though i continue to fight it off. the last time this happened was november of last year during which i contemplated my future and where i was going. this time it’s a reflection on the past decade of my life… one in which i should have experiencing life to the fullest. instead i feel like i didn’t take advantage of all the opportunities i should have nor did i really throw my true self out there. there are many reasons for not being able to be who i really was in high school and especially college, and if you know me then you know what i’m talking about without getting into the details. part of it was because i didn’t fully understand who i was until later in college, but even then i held back because i felt i had to. perhaps it was an issue of trust. i usually always put on this false front to prevent people from penetrating my true identity. furthermore, part of it could also be because i lacked a strong foundation at home (i.e. family) to turn back to for support, which becomes more and more apparent as time passes. perhaps that is why i always had a hard time trusting people, which thankfully has begun to change for the better over the past few years with the strong foundation which has evolved through good relationships with friends over the years. i would also argue that just having to work my ass off in college preventing me from taking advantage of those years and living them like they should have been lived. between architecture and working all the time, i had no social life so how was i ever going to develop my identity without anything to relate to besides that which i already had. don’t get me wrong, i had a lot of fun times in college and made some awesome friends, none of which i regret. however, i look at some of my friends now who are in their early 20s and it seems like their lives have been more fulfilling than mine at that time. i just am regretful that i have worked so hard nonstop for the past ten years, but don’t feel like i have all that much to show for it professionally and to an extent socially.
maybe i just expect too much from myself and other people. perhaps it’s my idealistic vision for everything that clouds over the true reality. sometimes i wish i could just let go of all of my baggage–the goals, the vision, the expectations–and actually let go and live life the way so many other people are able to without worrying about everything else. i’ve been trying to at times recently, but it’s definitely hard to do.