after bottoming out physically, psychologically and emotionally last week, i have been able to slowly work my way lose from the hold that damn funk has had on my life for the past several weeks. some of the issues that sparked the funk still remain, but i am struggling to let them just be rather than dwelling on them every minute of the day like i have been. in time things will work themselves out as they always do, be it fate or some higher force or energy keeping the balance.
speaking of fate and higher powers, this has also been something that has come up during my time with the funk… what is it that i truly believe? is there some larger force beyond my understanding at work that ultimately “knows” what is best for me? if that’s the case and there is a certain fate or destiny planned for all of us, then can free will truly exist? are we really in control of our own lives as much as we would like to believe? this topic came up over dinner with a friend the other night… “so, what do you believe?” at first i was hesitant to get into my ideas as to me they are still a tangled mess of disoriented thoughts and even pieces of thoughts. so for anyone else it would be that much more difficult to follow. this, of course, is still something i am working through for myself. anyway, he seemed so certain in his christian beliefs that he seemed a little surprised when i initially responded “i’m not really sure.” i proceeded to explain that most of my family is fairly religious and that we (my immediate family) were as well growing up until for some reason we lost touch with that, and that i was even confirmed. however, an interesting trend has been observed (in this country at least) that the more one is educated in a worldly manner, the more they distance themselves from christian beliefs. is this what happened to me? college for me was definitely an eye-opener, and as for most people it was the time in my life where i really tried to figure out who i was… to find myself. to an extent i’m still trying to find myself, but college definitely defined my base, now it’s more about digging deeper and questioning things (hence the occasional funk).
i continued to explain to my friend that i do believe there is some greater power at work, but that power is more of a force or the universe as a whole rather than some deity that should be worshiped. he then asked “but what if you’re wrong? isn’t it easier to accept your faith just in case as there’s nothing to lose?” true, i could be completely wrong. i have indeed pondered over that question more the past couple of weeks during the funk. but i responded that “i can’t blindly accept anything. therefore, if i just accept simply because that’s the easy way out, then i would be jeopardizing my even stronger value of never accepting anything blindly.” there is a reason for everything which is why i am probably so over-analytical and always questioning. his question also made me wonder… do a lot of people who believe in a deity and practice a certain religion do so just because it’s the easy solution? simply because that is what they have been told and they never question…never analyze such “truths”? are they psychologically telling themselves they have such faith and beliefs but deep down they are also blindly accepting?
as our conversation went on, he also asked “so, what do you think happens when you die?” another good question which i don’t have any answers for and i don’t think really think anyone does. we will never know what happens to us when we die until we simply die. my response followed a similar train of thought, “i don’t really think any of us know that answer, but right know i don’t think anything really happens. we just…. die and that’s it.” again, a look of disbelief. i know, it may sound cold and depressing…the thought that our “souls” don’t live on after we pass, but i’m not claiming to have the answer especially right now when i’m still trying to figure things out for myself. to me it just seems like people need to believe that there is some better life after this one in order to get through there day, to make it feel like they are working towards something in the end. not myself, however. i’m perfectly fine with my understanding that we live this life and that’s it as there are many other factors feeding my drive… i don’t need to look forward to my “next” life.
our conversation went on for a little while and it was definitely a good one as i enjoy listening to other people’s views and thoughts, especially on deeper and more meaningful topics such as this. don’t get me wrong through, i’m not against organized religion or christianity as i’m completely open-minded and pretty sure i could learn extensively from that camp as well. however, i am frustrated with how religion has evolved in this country… that condescending “better than thou” attitude that many christians give off, especially to non-christians. i have even met people who claim to be christian but end up being a more judgemental and hypocritical person than many friends i know well who don’t believe. to me, it’s these people who are blindly accepting…