the end-of-year funk has seemed to have tightened its grip over the past week or two… so much so that i have become quite apathetic about almost everything. it’s strange though because just 3-4 weeks ago i was in a perfect mood until this came on suddenly towards the end of october. i basically know what is causing all of the doom and gloom, which ranges from personal, social and psychological issues and everything in between. because i’m so critical of myself all the time, i typically put myself under too much stress and anxiety which exists on a regular basis as of late. most of the time i can overlook it or just simply deal with it, but lately that has not been so easy. usually i wouldn’t say i’m necessarily a bad person, but i have been questioning that the past couple of weeks, especially as a result of certain circumstances. maybe i am? maybe i take my friendships and relationships with those around me for granted way too often and fail to realize how beneficial they truly are. am i really as independent as i think i am? oftentimes i find myself pushing those away who get too close and have a difficult time opening up to people or showing real emotions… but why? is it for fear of becoming somewhat dependent on others? do i feel like that will appear as a sign of weakness? and then there’s my whole self-image… which has come a long way over the last five years but theres still that negativity and low self-esteem conflict embedded in my psyche that was much stronger back in the day. then again, that negativity most likely stems from being too much of a perfectionist… nothing is ever good enough.
so i basically know the root causes, but where do i start in trying to resolve them? most of them appear to be psychological which makes it even that much more difficult to change. i might be able to rid myself of this recurring funk if i can just fix these problems.